Soo, an assassin walks into a bar
by MoonPearlz
Summary: This is just all the stupid things in Assassin's Creed. It includes all character's talking, and when Connor find's his soul mate and Shaun walks into a metal bar, how will Juno feel when she eats the apple and destroy's time itself! FIND OUT IN LAST YEARS WEIRDEST COMEDY! (The story is funnier than the summary, I promise. Review and Altair will do a jig)...


**I wrote this with my crazy friend, though it was mostly me that wrote it... So yeha this is the most random trash I've ever wrote in my life but yeah, enjoy. There's nothing to say... BTW SWEARING ALERT! so if ur sensitive to tht for some reason, then don't read. though I have made it a T so ya know...**

* * *

Desmond walks into a bar, ok?

"BARRTEEENNNDEERRRR!" A voice screeched from his side.

"Oh my goshawk! It's VIDIC!" Desmond exclaimed using his superhuman senses to look at VIDIC.

"MIX ME A MARTINI!" Vidic screeched.

"OH MY GOSHAWK. Ok." Desmond flew over to the bar.  
Yeah, he flew.

"Would you like it stirred with a fork or a wooden mallet?" Desmond queried stroking his non-existent beard.

"Hmmmmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmm gymmmmmmm..." Vidic thought.

"I hate sports." Desmond used his telepathy that is actually talking out loud.

"I WANT IT smashed with a wooden mallet then eaten by Lucy." VIDIC said slyly.

****Lucy walks in****

"Sup n00bs." She said, putting on her sunglasses to make the room even dimmer.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Desmond exclaimed flying back and toppling the whole bar over.

"We'll, I waz just on my-" Lucy started but accidentally walked into a pole.  
The whole pole shook and Altair fell off the top.

"Ugh, why is it so dark in here?!" Lucy exclaimed putting a second pair of sunglasses on.

Desmond looked bewildered. "Altair? Lucy!? VIDIC!? YOUR ALL DEAD! Oh... But so am I... o.0"

Shaun walks into a bar, ok?

"Ouch! What the bloody hell was that for?" Shaun exclaimed as he slapped the metal bar in front of him.

Desmond burst out laughing. He stopped when he realised he was guffawing.

Altair ran up to Shaun and got down on one knee.  
"Will you dance with me!?" He exclaimed dramatically.

Shaun looked down at him through his ever shiny glasses.  
Altair took his wrist and Shaun turned into a karate ninja.

"UNHAND ME YOU BUFFOON!"

Altair scampered back and stood beside Desmond. Looking badass.

"OMG! HAII GUYZ!"

"Oh shit... It's Leo." Desmond mumbled under his breath.

"WHERE IS EZIO?" Leonardo asked. "Guyz?"

****MEANWHILE HIDING BEHIND DESMOND'S BAR.****

"Oh my god what is that smell!" Shaun exclaimed-whispered.

"I am George Washing." The used-to-be president of the United States of America, cried from behind them.

"Ton?" Desmond answered while Lucy darted up and pulled George Washing down on the floor.

"No. Stupid peasant." He said.

"But... But... I'm a bartender!" Desmond said, his lip quivering. Shaun face-palmed.

"Desmond!" Lucy exclaimed jumping gracefully up onto the bar's surface- only to slip off the side since she was in 65 inch stilettos, and had 2 pairs of sunglasses on.

"NOVICE!" Malik rushed in. Leonardo's realised everyone was back.

"MALLLIIIKKKKK!" He shouted, sprinting towards him with open arms.

Altair immediately ducked back down behind the counter.  
Oh god damn, he's going to kill me with his novice detecting powers.

"WE'RE PREGNANT!" Lucy screeched to Desmond when she was back on the bar.

"HEY! I'M NOT FAT!" Desmond exclaimed pulling his hood up in a moody attempt to block her.

"No... I'm preggorz."

"Oh... Congratulations." Desmond pulled out a drink from the counter.

"With your baby."

Desmond choked on his drink.

"I like the ceiling." Rebecca said, as she popped out from nowhere.

"OH so you like the ceiling!?" Shaun exclaimed trying to get the buffoon Altair to stop clinging on to him, as Malik threatened to beat Altair to death with his rolled up map of the 40th century, AND trying to get out of Leo's grasp.

"STROBE LIGHTS!" Desmond shouted, as he magically started to become a DJ, and the bar became a nightclub.

"GUYZ... What is Ezio doin?" Leonardo said.

"Oh, salute Leonardo! Look what I found!" Ezio called with a cheesy grin on his face. He was sitting with 2 women on each arm.  
Leonardo's eyes filled with tears.

"B-but... I loved you..." Leonardo's voice was just a whisper.

At these emotional times, Ezio being a womaniser and all, Desmond's dad decided to come and give a hand. Because he is SO caring and considerate.

"What is wrong with you, Ezio?" William asked. Ezio darted up from the chair, accidentally flinging them women that were in his arms, over to China.

"THERE'S A HOLE IN MY NIGHTCLUB'S ROOF!" Desmond screeched from over the room.

Ezio scowled. "Do you wanna know what's wrong with me?"

Desmond ran in slow motion over to William. He knew what was happening, he needed to stop it!  
Unfortunately he tripped over Lucy's 65 inch stilettos, and became unconscious.

William directed his glance to his unconscious son and shrugged. He's such a great father.

"ZOMG DON'T TALK TO MEH LIKE THAT!" Ezio screamed like a banshee at William who was looking blankly at him.

"What is wrong with you, Ezio?" He repeated.  
Ezio screwed up his face.

"Well, I ju-"

"What is wrong with you, Ezio?" He repeated again.

"ARGHHH-"

"What is wrong with you, Ezio!"

"STAHP -"

"He needs new batteries!" Vidic called from the bar. He was sitting next to Rebecca who was. Chatting about ceilings.

"WHAT!" Ezio exclaimed. At that moment Desmond woke up and sprinted over to Ezio using his superhuman abilities to throw him across the room.

"Oh... I was kinda late..."

"NOOOVVVIIICCEEEE!" Malik screamed, hurtling towards Desmond with his map.

Desmond looked at Altair who is usually badass but was now crouching in a ball, going insane from getting 40th century map abused.

"NUUUUUUU! ;_; " Desmond cried, running away.

Ezio recovered from getting thrown across the nightclub.  
He unexpectedly turned into the Incredible Hulk- No, incredible horse, sorry.

He charged out of the roof.

Everyone stopped.  
The apple came floating down from the hole in the roof.  
Ezio came back and joined the crowd as people watched it float down.

"AHH BITCH!" Desmond screamed at it.  
Shaun scowled at his behaviour.

"What are you, a tiny child?!" He exclaimed.

"MEHHHH GET OUT APPLE!" Desmond looked back up to the apple but it was gone.

"Mmm, this is tasty." Juno said from behind the crowd.

"AHH BITCH!" Desmond screamed at Juno.  
Shaun smirked at his behaviour.

"MWAHHAHA I WILL ENSLAVE THE HUMAN RACE!" She bellowed turning into the wicked witch of the west.

"I KNEW IT!" Desmond exclaimed.

"Wait... But metaphorically speaking... if you eat that apple wouldn't it like destroy the fabric of time? Then we'd all die and you would to..?" Shaun said.

"SHUT UP SHAUN!" Everyone shouted in unison.

Shaun huffed and looked like this emoticon with glasses :(

When Juno finished the apple the nightclub started to shake.

"MY NIGHTCLUB!" Desmond broke down. Lucy patted him on the shoulder.

"This is the only thing he gets upset about. He wasn't even upset when Ubisoft created the worst, most undramatic and fast ending for him either. Especially when his dad left STRAIGHT after he told him to go take a hike, and he did even though his son was about to DIE.  
And I was a scheming bitch who lied to him about everything, and now I'm preggorz with his baby." Lucy explained.

Everyone dabbed their eyes with this heartbreaking story while William stood folding his arms with the same expression he had on his face 3 hours ago.

Desmond was on his mobile and exclaimed :  
"FRANCISCO RANDEZ LOOKS JUST LIKE ME! What does it mean I wonder?"

**credits roll on**

"WTF CREDITS! WHAT IS THIS A VIDEO GAME!?" Shaun shouted.

Daniel Cross came in with a battle rifle from Halo 3.

"MUAHHAHAHA LET'S DANCE!" He said.  
Lucy gasped.

"OH DAMN!"

"What?" Rebecca asked, sipping on Desmond's martini.

"It's my ex..." Lucy whispered.

"YOU HAVE AN EX!?" Desmond shouted, while he was fighting to the death with a blue-spotted leopard.

Daniel smirked. "I have a new girlfriend!"  
A girl with long black hair came in. "SHE'S CALLED LUCE!"

"Oh god damn." Lucy face-palmed it. "Fallen lovers..."

"OMGZERS I LUVVV DAT BOOK!" Leonardo shouted from across the room.

"NOVICE!" Malik shouted, about to start beating him with his map.

"MALIK!" Leo stopped him.

"Ya?" He said, stopping and smiling casually.

"There's a guy in ma faveee band, called Zayn Malik! His second name is the same as your first name." Leo clapped.

"What band do you speak of?" Malik asked.

"One direction."

**Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. **

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Malik screamed, falling to his knees in dismay. "THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS SMASHED!"

Desmond burst out laughing but the leopard came back for him.

Everyone had a jolly good time when George Washing exclaimed:

"CONNOR!"

"Hello." Connor said blankly.

"Hello." William said. They both had the personality of a sock. They looked at each other blankly. Blankly. Blankly.  
THEY WERE SOLE MATES.

They rode off together in the sunset.

It was amazing.  
The end.


End file.
